You learn new things every day. I was really taken aback the other day (the day I posted the aquarium pics) when I was hit by this horrible wave of ... guilt, I guess it was. I realized, looking back through the pictures, that me and the guys had done something - had fun, I laughed and chased them around to make sure they didn't do anything TOO bad with the aquarium + environs and they dooked out - and were really enjoying ourselves. Without Pixie. It was the first time since she passed. And for the longest minutes of my life I felt horrible about it. Like it was wrong to enjoy my babies and what they were doing, like it was wrong to laugh and not have grief weigh us down.
I realize it's stupid. The worst kind. The idea of sharing life and sharing space isn't just about death and grief and loss. It's sharing self with everything you draw toward yourself. It's just so easy to get mired down in the bad things, the hurting things, and I've been having to make a concentrated effort to look for something more. To even remind myself that Yogi and Sian and Hiko are more than just Pixie's business. They are forces unto themselves, personalities and characters that need to be valued for what they bring to our shared reality.
Pixie's still here, I believe, that - and without getting into the whole afterlife debacle - the energy she had directed to guiding them, to loving them and me, is still here. It has to be. But the energy she directed toward Yew, to her first love, that's with him, finally and after all these years. I believe it, and when I can focus solely on that, I remember the best things about our years together, and it's easier. It doesn't always last - the pain is still so sharp. But each time that knowledge stays for longer, the pain for less, and I know one day I'll be able to finally let the grief go.
However, in an attempt to lighten the mood (this blog surely has become a happiness killer of late, I'll admit, but at least I never promised cheery at the start, aha suckers), I took some NEW PICTURES OF THE BABIES. I'm alternating them in their room and the upstairs office, so they get a change. They've been far too lazy/bored of late. MY GOD, YOU'RE ONLY TEN MONTHS OLD AND ALREADY JADED, BBS. SHAME.
They just. Wow. Such amazing helpers *rollseyes*
(and Rula totally has Precious Moments eyes, eh? Eh?)